Last weekend, like most fall weekends, we headed out with our blankets and chairs to Miss C’s soccer games. She had a travel tournament at our local complex just up the road (now that’s my kind of travel soccer). That Sunday was a picture perfect fall day except for the incident of vomitus interruptus, a nightmare situation that instills fear in the bravest of parents. Sniffles, sore throats, hand, foot and mouth disease…I can handle  pretty much any childhood illness thrown at me, but an episode of vomiting a la the Exorcist is not one of them.

Miss A complained about not feeling well all morning and even tried to nap on the sidelines, but I just blew it off, blaming it on her being dragged out to yet another one of big sister’s soccer tournaments on a chilly morning more suited to sleeping in and curling up in flannel pjs.

As we were leaving and she complained, again, of not feeling well it dawned on me that she might actually have a stomach bug. Miss C had grabbed the styrofoam cup of pink lemonade from my hand and started to sip it and I freaked. “Don’t drink that! Your sister may be sick!” Miss A was washed out and her spunkiness had been snuffed out. We piled into hubby’s SUV, the two-door car in the family…the vehicle that is very difficult, nay impossible, to get out of in the event of an unexpected and urgent need to vomit. Murphy’s Law of kid puke…you’ll never be near a toilet when it happens.

I’ve got years of parenting under my belt. I should know by now that if your child is very vague about feeling icky in their stomach that all hell is about to break loose. Vomiting is sneaky like that.

So, without much ado, here’s my handy dandy interpretation guide to kids and vomiting:

WHAT THEY SAY –

“I’m really hot.”

WHAT THEY MEAN –

“I’m about to get sick…SICK I TELL YOU!”

WHAT THEY SAY –

“My stomach doesn’t feel so good.”

WHAT THEY MEAN –

“I’m about to hurl like a boss all over you, your car, your favorite t-shirt. Pull over now and grab a grocery sack or just rip off your shirt and let me get sick in it!”

WHAT THEY SAY –

“I think I’m going to throw up.”

WHAT THEY MEAN –

“You’ve got one second to get me a barf bag, stat.”

WHAT THEY SAY –

“I feel so much better now.”

WHAT THEY MEAN –

“I’m going to nap and watch movies the rest of the day while you people clean up this mess.”

Miraculously no one else in our house caught the bug.

Also? Don’t ever let your kid order pink lemonade mysteriously procured from the back of a food wagon at a sports tournament.

Where’s the craziest place your kids have ever gotten sick?