Commodes, And Cat Scans, And Close Calls Oh My!

I can now cross “Pass out on toilet a la Elvis!” off my bucket list. Thankfully I survived. Poor Elvis did not.

I ended up getting admitted to the hospital Monday for overnight observation and getting IV fluids after a horrific stomach bug (or possibly food poisoning…I vote for the latter) and passing out and having a nasty spill on our tile floor. I did get to catch up on trash TV the likes of Real Housewives and Emmy fashion wrap ups and I learned that there are different types of hoarders (seriously, people hoard pets?)

I woke up about 2 a.m. Monday with that “uh oh” feeling of impending intimate time with the toilet. From about 2 to 6 I was up and down to the bathroom and I did all this rather stealthily, not wanting to wake anyone. About 6:30 I nudged hubby and told him I was completely worn out from being sick with a stomach bug all night and I asked him to take the girls to school. By then I’d taken four Imodium so I was feeling better, just exhausted. I slept for a while and then after 8 he stopped by with Sprite and to check on me and then headed to work. His office is less than 2 miles from our house and I assured him I was fine and was just going to sleep it off and get up around noon. At some point around 9 I got up and emailed my boss to let her know I was home sick and then some time between 9:30 and 10 I started vomiting. And vomiting. It just would not stop.

My finest moment and the last thing I recall before blacking out was when I was sitting on the toilet attempting to call hubby to tell him to come home. I think I know what happened, because his voice mail recorded the whole ordeal. I also have a trail of bruises from my upper right shoulder blade down to my knees that give clues to how I fell. All kidding aside, I am incredibly lucky that I didn’t hit my head or break something.

I think I started to stand up, dropped the phone, and then blacked out. I fell down and back and hit the toilet with my lower left back/bottom so hard that it knocked the seat completely off the hinges. I have a horrible bruise and it was enough to warrant an x-ray of my hip, which, thankfully is fine. I then must have hit my right shoulder on the toilet rim as I came down toward the floor because I have a second nasty, but smaller, bruise there. And then I slumped to the left (third bad bruise on my upper left arm) and ended up crumpled on the floor in the small space between our tile wall and our toilet. I also have a big knot on my right thigh.

You know those horrible crime shows where someone wakes up in the trunk of a car and they don’t know where they are? I woke up wedged between the wall and toilet and was so confused for a split second that I panicked. All I knew was I could not move, that I was on the floor, and my face was about a 1/2 inch from our tile wall. I then heard my husband walking in the house (he actually was on the phone with one of his business partners when I was trying to leave a voice mail and had NO idea I had passed out…he just happened to think “hey, I should check up on her”) and then I started moaning and screaming “help me.” He rushed in and found me limp and unable to pull myself up from my rather contorted, and unfortunate, position around the base of our toilet. As soon as he got me upright I started vomiting again. His other business partner and our good friend happened to be right around the corner from our house in his car when he got the call about me and he came running into our back door to help. I know I scared him to death with my scene from Exorcist projectile vomiting. My husband carried me to the car and rushed me to the ER in record time. I’m also a lucky girl in that my sister happens to work at the hospital closest to our home and she was there waiting for us.

So there you go.

I had a cat scan of my head, an x-ray of my back and hip, and tons of fluids pumped into me. The IV fluids did wonders. I stayed overnight Monday for observation because I’d had such a hard fall and was so confused and out of it when my husband found me.

Now I know I was loopy and didn’t have my contacts in but I swear while being wheeled on a gurney for my cat scan an older man walking by in the hallway glanced down at me, smiled, and commented, “I guess your table dancin’ days are over!” I knew I was really sick when I had no come back…NO COME BACK YA’LL.

The doctor on duty in the ER asked me a litany of questions, ranging from whether or not I had a history of seizures to whether my family had a history of diabetes, but the question that rattled me and hubby was his last one: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

For once in my life, I was speechless. Hubby glanced up immediately and said, “Then I’D pass out!”

p.s. I am not pregnant.

16 comments

  1. Tory Thompson says:

    My first thought upon your comment of waking up crumpled on the bathroom floor was, did you feel your back to see if someone had taken your kidneys (a la urban email legend). Heh.

  2. Jamie says:

    My pants were, indeed, down but hubby got me decent before we headed to the ER.

    I was barefoot, though. Eeeek! I got some fancy designer socks at the hospital. 😉

  3. Cathy K says:

    I recognize those symptoms. I think you are right on the food poisoning choice!! Been there done that. However, not quite so dramatically…. 😉 Glad your doing better!!

  4. Jamie says:

    I know…I definitely think it was food poisoning. The doctor just thought it might have been viral since no one else got it. I’ve had food poisoning two other times in my life but I have never passed out before! Don’t think I want to do that again…um…EVER. 😉

  5. Liz says:

    GAH! First of all, thank GOD you’re okay!!! Second, sheesh, way to make my heart skip a beat. Thirdly, wearing pants are highly overrated!!! Continue resting and feeling better, my dear, sweet, Suh-thun friend!!!

  6. won says:

    Wow. That could have been sooo much worse that horrible way it turned out.

    I’m so glad you did not do any permanent damage and that you got to catch up on all your shows 🙂

  7. Brigid says:

    That pretty much sums up one of my worst nightmares. I get panic attacks just thinking about all of that.

    Glad you are OK. (I do think being forced to rest and watch TV would be kinds nice, but not if I had to survive the earlier.)

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