Porta Hell No

On Saturday we had the usual gathering of selves and stuff for soccer. Because we had a freak snow in March and then flooding in April (cue REM’s End of the World as We Know It), the spring soccer season is like the Energizer Bunny. It keeps going, and going, and going.

I asked Miss A twice if she had to use the potty before we left the house, and she piped back, “No! I no have to potty mommy!”

This is 3-year-old speak for “I do have to go potty, but I’m far too busy to be bothered with that whole emptying of the bladder thing, so please get out of my way you silly woman.”

So tra la la we headed to the field and got caught in the maelstrom of traffic as SUVs and minivans circled the lot like vultures on wheels. Miss A then announced from the back seat, “I have to go POTTY!!! I have to go POTTY mommy daddy!”

There are no public restrooms at the soccer fields, except for a row of porta potties. There they sit, baking in the direct sun, all weekend. I have somehow managed to avoid them except for one incident with Miss C. Basically I walk by them and think, “I don’t see you nasty porta-potties! La la la la la la la.”

We scurried from the car and Miss A and I trotted over to the porta potties.

“OK, here we go!” I said in my fake happy mommy voice as if she were about to hop on a pony.

I opened the door and Miss Princess reticently stepped into the porta potty. I left the door slightly ajar as it was going to be difficult to help her up on to the potty without actually touching it and I needed all the elbow room I could muster. I’d love to see David Blaine levitate a 30 plus pound little girl over a porta potty. Now that would be a good trick.

Miss A took one look into the poo and blue chemical cocktail of the porta potty and let out a blood curdling, “IT’S YUCKY MOMMY!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” and starting dancing the “I must pee” jig.

“Baby, it’s OK. Mommy will hold you over the potty. Just don’t look down, OK.”

“No mommy! It’s blue! It’s YUCKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

She was mortified and I can’t blame her, seeing as she barely towered above the potty seat.

“Miss A, it’s OK. Mommy will pick you up so you don’t have to touch a thing.”

No wonder my back was strained Mother’s Day.

We got out of there as fast as we could and all the while I was thinking I’d just as soon have her pee behind a bush, only knowing my luck she’d sit in poison ivy.

But I can guarantee she’ll remember to use the potty next weekend before we head to the last soccer game.


  1. Mof2 says:

    Poor thing. I know how she feels and you as well. I refuse to walk in one! We have yet to have to venture into one, I dread the day. Kelsie is the same way with the blue water thing. We were in the mall and she had to potty, the water was blue and she pitched a fit! What is it about the blue potty water that throws kids for a loop? And your probably right, she will remember to go potty next time, because I know that we haven’t had to go back in that bathroom since the blue incident. It reminds me of that song…Blue da be de da by di….Something about a blue house, blue car, blue etc…Ha..Sorry I didn’t mean to break out into song!

    Mof2’s last blog post..My Old Friend…

  2. Amy says:

    Ha! I remember my daughter freaking over potra pottys. Still does actually.

    My son would walk down a little trail in the woods and water some plants before every game last season. Boys are easier that way by far!

    30 lbs huh? My 16 month old weighs 30 lbs!

    Amy’s last blog post..Can Mommy and Daddy Rest Now?

  3. Beth_C says:

    As someone who suffers from a touch of the IBS, I have discovered that porta potties are my friend. Oddly enough, the cleanest ones I have found are the ones at construction sites. They are cleaned weekly, if not more and usually smell very nice.

    I do agree with your daughter though, the blue water can be frightening.


    Beth_C’s last blog post..Miracle Monday

  4. Amy says:

    One of the good things about having boys, they can pee anywhere. I actually caught my 6 year old whipping it out to pee on the side of my house by our trailer cause it was closer than the bathroom (not really). I hate porta-potties. Part of why I don’t like camping.

  5. marcy says:

    Oohh Blonde Mom, you are hilarious! I too am a port-a-potty hater. And while boys should be easier than girls, mine still manages to pee on my feet daily.-Ew.

    marcy’s last blog post..Elvis and Eggs

  6. Pattie says:

    Ohh yes…..who can blame her really? I’d rather have my eye teeth pulled out than use a porta potty….particularly one that is *ahem* well -used. Oh, and the baking in the hot sun all weekend reference? Not a vision I needed after lunch *LOL*

    For what it’s worth, my 6 year old refuses to use one, too. We have resorted to going in the woods instead.

    Pattie’s last blog post..Time To Go Private

  7. Jennilu says:

    I don’t know, if Miss A is like Kaylea she will do the same thing next weekend. Heck, Kaylea is 9 and we still have the “I’ve gotta pee, NOW!” emergencies. She just doesn’t seem to realize that she needs to potty until it is practically running down her leg. My favorite has always been the potty emergency that is followed by a second potty emergency about 5 minutes later. Either my child’s bladder is the size of a pea (no pun intended) or she was in too big a hurry to get it all out the first go round. Sometimes I just can’t figure the child out!

    Jennilu’s last blog post..Kaylea On Mother’s Day

  8. Jane - Pinks & Blues says:

    Oh yes, the joys of the porta potty! I am sure learned her “it’s best to go at home” lesson!


  9. Bluegrass Mama says:

    I quickly learned that even if my child said “Oh no, I don’t have to go” before we left the house, my reply was always, “Well, you at least have to TRY.” Not that it always worked, but it helped!

    You’re a better mom than I–I never held them over the seat. Perhaps it’s because I’m so short it would have been nigh impossible.

    Bluegrass Mama’s last blog post..Happy Mother?s Day

  10. pam says:

    Whatever works to get the little one to go potty at home! I wish Monkey Man would go somewhere – anywhere – but in his diaper!

  11. Melinda says:

    Having used porta-potties, and having “crouched” in all kinds of strange places (behind a bush, behind a bus, in a variety of African “bathrooms”- plumbing not included), I would definitely choose any of those strange places over the porta-potty. There is something inherently disgusting about the porta-potty that makes virtually any other location preferable.

    Melinda’s last blog post..happy thunderbird news

  12. Erin says:

    I have the same reaction too. I would rather have a urinary infection almost than use those things. Ugh. There aren’t good adjectives to describe how bad those are.

    Erin’s last blog post..Carrot for Prez.

  13. Jolly Green Dad says:

    Ohhh yes, similar experience there, with an added twist. When we were done, there was a hand sanitizer dispenser there right outside the port-o. My little daughter couldn’t work it, she pushed and pushed. I had her step aside as Daddy would make it work. I hit the mechanism hard….and…..poof…the sanitizer went straight into my daughters eye. Ouch!!! Boy did she yell…and wanted nothing to do with Daddy the rest of the day. No permanent harm, nothing that a popsicle didn’t sure.

    Jolly Green Dad’s last blog post..When Kids Make You Proud

  14. Jennifer says:

    I hate porta potties. Check out the link below. I keep this in my car at all times because it’s so small. I haven’t had to use it in a year, but keep it in there just in case. Especially great to have when you are first potty training. Have’t needed to buy refills expcept the two packs I initally bought, but I bet you could use those little blue trash bags with the handles they sell in the baby section and use regular maxi pads because that’s all it looks like it is. Trust me it’s the best $10 you’ll even spend:)


    Jennifer’s last blog post..by Kim Lane Designs Purse Giveaway

  15. heather says:

    Oh, i have many porta potty stories to share. My favorite is seeing a row of them knocked over after a near-tornado ripped thru an outdoor music festival. Glad it wasn’t my job to cleam them up!

    heather’s last blog post..Did you know?

  16. Deb - Mom of 3 Girls says:

    Oh that is just too funny – although it’s really not. I wish we had porta-potties even at our soccer fields though – we have nothing. So yep, any potty run involves dragging kids back to the car and finding the nearest restaurant or gas station. Not fun! On second thought though, maybe it is better than the porta-potty thing? Oh well… 🙂

    Deb – Mom of 3 Girls’s last blog post..Another Meme Monday

  17. Megan says:

    Reminds me of the time this spring when I was driving with my 7 year old niece. We stopped at a highway reststop because she “had” to go. The reststop was very basic with parking spaces and two of the large handicapped portapotties. Amy hadn’t used one of these before so I went in with her, fearing the experience. To my surprise it was quite clean and with the lid closed. But you should have seen our jaws drop when we lifted the lid, a large mound greeting us. And if that wasn’t enough the last user had left “on display” probably the largest turd I’ve ever seen. Amy is at that age where she is interested in potty stuff and she kept asking all kinds of questions while at the same time holding her butt and trying to keep her own turds in. I eventually convinced her to get her pants down and go, and boy did she; one very relieved girl.

  18. Timothy says:

    that’s funny you mienton Free Range Kids, b/c that’s exclaty the site I thought of when I read yr first post and then read through the comments. I wish parents had more forgiveness for each other more willingness to make a neighborhood, community, CONNECTIONS with each other. what lessons are we teaching our kids about fear, independence, and conflict resolution?!?! Just a thought, COP CALLER LADY. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

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