The Easter Bunny is a big, fat, hairy lie.
By now I think I have the Santa Claus gig down pat, but the Easter Bunny is shrouded in a tangled sugary web of deceit that can only be clarified by biting the heads off marshmallow Peeps. (Note to self: Run down to Walgreens tonight to buy more Easter candy for the girls’ baskets since YOU ATE ALL THE JELLY BEANS.)
The Easter Bunny apparently never impressed me much as a child because the only fond memory I have of his visits is of an entirely edible hard candy striped basket I got one year. I’d probably still be breaking off pieces and munching on it at had my mother not finally disposed of it one day when I was at school.
I don’t remember how old I was when I realized that the Easter Bunny was a scam, but it’s possible that I just went along with it for a while just for the candy so I could tolerate getting dressed up for church and being forced to wear itchy tights with my shiny new black patent leather shoes. Growing up in a house where a bowl of Rice Krispies and sweet acidophilus milk was considered a treat, you’ll do anything to score some chocolate.
Here are some Easter Bunny unsolved mysteries that trouble my soul here on Easter eve:
- Is the Easter Bunny male or female? I’ve always assumed he was male, but in this day and age perhaps that’s sexist.
- Where does the Easter Bunny live? Miss C asked me this in all seriousness recently and I was completely dumbfounded. Does he live with Santa and Mrs. Claus at the North Pole? In Easter Land? Peeps-ville? Eggsylvania? Ponyville? The Playboy Mansion?
- If you use the same baskets from year to year, like we do, do you leave them out? Where do you leave them? The hearth, the kitchen table, or the front doorstep?
- How does the Easter bunny get in your house? He can’t use the chimney. That’s blasphemous against Santa!
- What is the Easter Bunny’s mode of transportation? A carrot mobile? Does he flap his big giant bunny ears and fly?
- Does the Easter Bunny have little bunny helpers?
I live with a very inquisitive 5 1/2 year old who has seen all the Easter displays at Target, Wal-Mart, and Publix and I have a feeling it won’t be long before she figures out this Easter Bunny thing is a big charade concocted by the candy industry.
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