I’ll Sit on Your Lap, Shine Your Boots, Whatever it Takes

Dear Santa:

At precisely 6:27 a.m. Christmas morning (that particular sequence of glowing digital numbers is permanently seared into my memory), Miss C bounded into our bedroom, excited about the forthcoming bounty from your sleigh. Some favorites are the singing disembodied Barbie Island Princess doll that could seriously scar someone for life if they were on drugs, a Play Doh center that appeals to mama’s anal retentiveness as all the pieces stow away neatly inside, and enough play makeup to outfit a whole chorus line of drag queens.

I, however, was a little disappointed. Couldn’t you have answered my wish Santa? Huh? Santa? Hello?

Look, I haven’t bothered you in years. Not since I really wanted that Bionic Woman doll in what, 1975, 1976? And I didn’t even hold a grudge when my pleas for a Nintendo video game system in high school apparently went unheard. Rumor has it that was the year Mrs. Claus caught you spiking the elf’s egg nog and banned you from your weekly Friday night poker game, so I could understand the oversight.

Miss C is in the ask mama and daddy all types of questions age and I really could use that parenting guide I wished for on how to answer all of these things her growing mind grapples with daily. I studied the pregnancy guides and newborn baby books like I was cramming for the GMAT, but now I am left to scratch my head and silently churn out nothing better than “uh, uh, uh” to such hard-hitting questions as, “When is God’s birthday?,” “Who made God?,” “How are babies made?,” and “Can Santa hear me when I make a wish?”

This parenting gig is only going to get tougher and the questions aren’t going to get any easier so please next year at least let me borrow that parenting guide, OK? I promise to return it after I’ve scanned every page and opened up an eBay shop selling it for $99 a copy.

I’d really appreciate it. Otherwise I’ll be serving up plain skim milk for your fat ass come December 2008.


Blonde Mom


  1. Rachel says:

    ROFL! Jamie, you are a hoot!
    I’ll buy the first copy!!!!
    The disembodied head? YIKES! I thought the barbie doll and movie were bad. We too, now have enough play make up to keep the whole Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders team fully prepped for the season. What was Santa thinking?

    Rachel’s last blog post..Thurday Thirteen # 3 or #125

  2. Blonde Mom says:

    Mama T:

    That is HILARIOUS! Oh my…

    Uh we have not had that question, but we’ve had some doozies. 😉


  3. malia says:

    I know!! I hate it when they ask questions and I’m just standing there with a blank look on my face, grappling for some answer other than, “I don’t know.” Because “I don’t know” is starting to make me look like the stupidest mother on the planet and I really don’t need my children figuring that out!

    malia’s last blog post..Merry Christmas!

  4. daring one says:

    You tell him sister! I know that parenting book has to exist somewhere and if Santa’s so smart that he can practically read our kids’ minds to know if they’re naughty or nice, he should be able to provide a pretty comprehensive manual.

    daring one’s last blog post..At Least He

  5. Jennifer says:

    LOL LOL LOL! If you ever come across sucha book I want a copy:) It makes you wonder why kids even come up with half the stuff they ask. My 3 year old is more the question queen and has to know everything. If I had a penny for every time I heard Where did you get? that I’d be rich. She even notices things like a new role of toliet paper, I mean come on, does she really need to know when I bought it and what store…lol! As for where do babies come from she should ask my 5 year old who “gave birth” 2 weeks ago in the living room. She stuffed her shirt with a stuffed animal and was on the floor making pushing sounds saying the baby was coming…hmm maybe watching A Baby Story while she’s in the room isn’t such a good idea…lol!

    Jennifer’s last blog post..New Year’s Coupon and My Favorite Things

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