With apologies to Laura Numeroff, children’s author of “If You Give a Pig a Pancake.”
If you give a man a beer at a football game, he might just want another beer.
He will down the beer rather quickly because it’s so hot out.
Because it is so hot out, he will want another beer.
When he drinks that beer he’ll get the munchies and buy another round of beer for his friends while he’s out.
While he’s out he’ll see the daiquiri stand and buy an overpriced strawberry daquiri.
After he drinks the second beer and the overpriced strawberry daiquiri he’ll start sweating alcohol and talking about armpit sweat runoff.
When you overhear his crazy armpit sweat runoff talk, he’ll give you the “this guy is toast by halftime” vibe.
As halftime approaches his girlfriend will shift from embarrassment to true mortification and start talking on her flip phone.
When she closes her flip phone she’ll give her girlfriend the “let’s get the hell out of here” look.
Her girlfriend’s date will also be drinking at a fairly rapid pace, but he wisely avoids the overpriced daiquiris.
When the girls leave for the restroom the obnoxious drunk boyfriend will flip off the opposing team with both hands and use the F word because apparently the double flip off wasn’t enough. (There is another beer or two consumed at some point, but I started losing track and obviously so did he.)
The F word will make the surrounding parents pivot and glare.
The glaring will make his girlfriend, who is returning from the restroom, wonder what he’s been up to.
The more she wonders what he’s been up to the more she wants to leave.
They’ll leave the game after half time, because by then he can barely talk but he can still walk.
As they are walking out the girlfriend will profusely apologize to you, the parental type sipping on bottled water and indulging in the hedonistic sneaking of clumps of sticky cotton candy from her 5-year-old.
And you will look over at your 5-year-old and your husband and smile because you know you will all be a bit sunburned in the morning but the only hangovers will be from consuming too much cotton candy.
You will also thank the good Lord above that you are married to the kind of man who would never drink a daiquiri at a football game.
Edited to add: The hubby prefers beer.
(I should have added this as the punchline. Wink.)
This true story brought to you by the drunk guy sitting to the left of us at Sunday’s Titans/Falcons football game.