Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Stretched Out Granny Panties

Our 10th wedding anniversary is later this week, which inspired me to do some much needed shopping. You know, because shopping is a necessity. A few weeks ago I clicked on Victoria’s Secret’s website. Being the boring practical girl that I am, I navigated to the clearance panty section first as I am in dire need of new underdrawers. I looked at the cotton panties first. I’ll be 40 in a few years so I think my private parts need as much breathable fabric as possible. The only thing available in the clearance section were striped fabrics and winter motifs. Nothing says happy 10 years of wedded bliss to your husband like showcasing your 37-year-old rear end in a pair of gray cotton bikini briefs with fuschia snow flakes and Snow Bunny emblazoned across your butt cheeks. Not to mention it’s May.

Much like the rings in a tree can be used to determine how old it is, you can tell when I became a mother by excavating my panty drawer and tracking the noticeable shift from sexy and silky to practical and cotton. These days I primarily wear cotton bikini briefs, although there were those white cotton high waisted granny panties my mom bought for my post-partum, “OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ABS?” period after having Amelia two years ago. Thankfully the extreme granny underdrawers were way too big once I lost most of my pregnancy weight. Although they would have made excellent dust cloths, to the landfill they went.

Any way I’m definitely thinking of starting a petition to rename the 10th anniversary The Panty Anniversary, because after 10 years of marriage and gaining and then losing close to 70 pounds total (not each time, thank God) during two pregnancies, you definitely need a full panty makeover.


21 comments

  1. Mrs.M says:

    happy anniversary!!! and you definately should get new panties!

    I have a confession, I have a panty fetish and probably have enough pairs for 3 months without washing! In college it was closer to 6.

    Oh, and I have a thing where I save new panties and wear them on a day i feel is going ot be bad. A new panty day is kinda like a red letter day!

  2. Bluegrass Mama says:

    We’re heading up on our 25th. I went wild a couple of weeks ago and bought red “hipsters.” Bikinis? I think I wore those a lifetime ago.

  3. Mof2 says:

    Happy Anniversary!! My husband commented to me the other day…”What happened to thongs?” I made the remark, well at least I don’t wear granny panties. I too wear the bikini design. I think after being pregnant twice your rear end just isn’t “up” to wearing anything less then some decent coverage back there!

  4. malia says:

    When I was in high school, my dad gave my mom the “gift” of the panty of the month club, like for Christmas or something. That was definitely something I didn’t need to know at that time in my life!! ::shudders::

  5. Richie Ann says:

    With two pregnancies in three years…I hear ya! I can’t wait to have a panty makeover of my own…maybe next year. I’m gonna buy matching bras too that DO NOT unhook for easy nipple access. I’m gonna take back my body…AND my panties just as soon as I can!

  6. Liza says:

    so…what kind of panty did you buy? 🙂

    I love the “Pink” selction of Victoria Secret myself. I love those see-through ones 🙂

    Happy 10 year Panty Anniversary!

  7. Cyndee says:

    Too funny! I can also tell the layers of my life by my underwear drawer! Gone are the silk and in come the cotton. It is all about comfort and coverage. On special occasions, I might put on the old “sexy” underwear, but who can actually go to work in “sexy” underwear? Too many thoughts….

    Cyndee

  8. Charla says:

    Cotton all the way for me! The panty area is just hot a place I’m going to be uncomfortable!

    I do have to vouch for Vicki’s cotton undies…they are great!

    You deserve to treat yourself to some sex-ay new undies for your anniversary! (Speaking of anniversary – did you decide if y’all are taking that trip for your 10th? You deserve that, too!) AND? New undies would be a GREAT little “happy” for the hubs…hehe.

  9. Jamie (Blonde Mom) says:

    I did get some new undies. I also bought a cute red dress which was a great fashion leap for me as everything I wear lately is either black or khaki. We are going somewhere overnight, probably next weekend (hubby is surprising me) but not New Orleans as it is Jazz Fest and everything was booked!

  10. Kelly says:

    Whewww…for a minute I thought you were looking in my panty drawer, but you were talking about you! It is so sad that I still own my sexy, skimpy underware that have not moved from their place in my drawer since my first month of marriage. They make me feel anything but sexy! Cheers to you to finding some sexy, yet cotton breathable panties to celebrate 10 years with!

  11. Amanda says:

    I finally found the perfect panties. Except they are $12.50 a piece. I guess I will have to splurge.

    Happy Anniversary!!!!! Enjoy!!!!!!! Ahem!!!

  12. Audrey says:

    oh my god… loved this post! i absolutely agree with you – 100%!! i’m celebrating my 6th wedding anniversary in june, i’ll have to get prepped for our 10th with some brand new panties!!!
    check out my blog: pinksandbluesgirls.wordpress.com
    have a great night,
    audrey
    http://www.pinksandblues.com

  13. Nohell says:

    James,

    I think there’s a pair of Golden Grannies floating around somewhere between South Carolina, Kentucky and Wisconsin with your name on them!

  14. Mrs. Flinger says:

    OMG, I totally thought of this today as I folded yet another pair of stretched out panties that endured this entire pregnancy. I swore I’d go shopping for undies. I did.

    I said this two years ago, though, too….

    Happy Anniversary!

  15. Erin says:

    happy anniversary! I love Victoria’s Secret’s cotton panties! But you are right- they aren’t sexy. But they sell these soft not-quite silky cotton-y panties that are in like a boy-brief style that I’m a fan of.

    It’s like a conversation my hubby had with me a month ago: “you promised you would always wear sexy silky nighties and not t-shirts and sweats to bed!”

  16. Louise says:

    Happy Belated Anniversary! It’s funny to stumble upon posts a year after they were written and still find them hilarious.

    P.S. My college laundry m.o. was to buy new underwear if I didn’t have time to do laundry. By the end of the year, I had a huge drawer of panties!

    Louises last blog post..Charleston Grill Shrimp and Grits

  17. gavelect says:

    Hi, I know how you feel, every I go shopping for ladies nightwear it seems imposable to get a bargain were I actually like the item, As you said snowflakes in may just don’t do it and neither does the the Bridget Jones pants – well not for my husband anyway.

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