Falling Prices, Rising Blood Pressure

Dear Neighborhood Wal-Hell:

Against my better judgment I decided to take my girls, both under age 5 and under the influence of no nap, to your lovely store Sunday. The Wal-Hell near my office is much nicer, but this location is closer. Entering this particular store is always a little nerve wracking and I’m surprised there aren’t bars on the windows. Wait a minute, there are no windows.

I had a birthday present to exchange, we were fresh out of diapers, and there was nothing to eat for dinner except for canned albacore tuna and some questionably old vegetable soup in the freezer. I tossed a cereal bar and some Smarties in my purse and we were good to go.

I knew it was going to be an interesting adventure when Caitlin whooped her “Mommy I have to GO POTTTTEEEEE” war cry about ten minutes into our shopping trip. However, I was most appreciative of the free Pringles samples awaiting us at the end of aisle 10 since Caitlin didn’t want to eat hers and handed them to me. And the supernatural speedy experience in customer service was a bonus! I could have taken my ten dollar bill and change and run for the hills, or the new super Tarjay right up the road, but I didn’t want to drag the girls back out to the car.

I’m sorry about the bottle of water Amelia poured on the floor in the children’s clothing department but I had to break open the marked-down St. Patrick’s Day cookies and she was thirsty. Apparently she only needed two sips of water, though, since she poured the rest of it out.

I’m not sorry, however, that the girls and I ended up trying on the oversized gag leprechaun hats from the St. Patrick’s Day display and danced like village idiots in the checkout line, much to the amusement of everyone in the store, because after waiting a good 20 minutes in the world’s slowest freaking checkout lane, frankly I wanted a real life leprechaun and a mug of Irish ale to keep me pacified. And maybe a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end of it. Or maybe just a Wal-Hell gift card since we’ll be out of diapers again soon as my 2-year-old has squeezed two droplets of pee in her baby potty since December and would apparently rather pee in her diaper and have mama wipe her butt.

Any way, I was indeed impressed that I spent just a little over a hundred dollars and came home with bags and bags of Wal-Hell goodness. And I didn’t even use any coupons.

Love, A Suburban Mother Who Loves to Live on the Edge

p.s. I did appreciate the slower than dirt clerk marking down all my ground chuck packages when only two were discounted. And she was very sweet, even though Amelia was going bonkers and I let her dismantle play with all the blinking Disney ink pens in the impulse purchase section near the cash register. So in a nutshell…cheap meat and cheap diapers. That’s enough to keep me occasionally coming back to Wal-Hell. Well, that and the cute George brand children’s clothing.


Speaking of Wal-Hell, I just read a hilarious post by Here in Idaho about “the greatest show on Earth.”


  1. Nicole says:

    Dude! I hate that Wal-Mart too, but I go for the one-stoppiness of it (food and “stuff”) and because they are the only place nearby that sells material for my Martha cravings.

    And guess what? Claire has that dress in red. Great minds…

  2. Richie Ann says:

    Ha! It doesn’t matter into which Wal-Hell you step, in any city, in any state, it is all the same store!

  3. Anne says:

    i hear you. you haven’t been to wall-mart unless you’ve got the war stories to prove it. keep the faith!

  4. Holly Schwendiman says:

    Oh what a fantastic journey through the hellish store. The low prices are the only reason any of us take on the torture no matter how occasional!! LOL Once again you’ve got me giggling!


  5. Traci says:

    I would rather gouge my own eyes out than take both my girls to Wal-Mart by myself. I am just not up to it. That place drives me bats on my own. Ever since I discovered that they charge different prices for baby formula depending on what side of town you live on, my hatred has grown even more. Glad you made it out alive.

  6. Pattie says:

    Oh Jamie, that sounds like hell…truly.
    Confession: I hate Walmart, and I avoid it like the plague.

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