Next Time Maybe I’ll Wear Toe Socks

I have a coping mechanism that kicks in during my annual pap smear.

I MUST TALK during my exam.

Pretty much any topic will do…work, weather, wallpaper.

I’m already a nervous talker by nature and really is there nothing more nerve wracking then lying on your back, feet perched on padded stirrups, scooting your bottom to the edge of the examining table, waiting for your hoo ha to be probed? You’d think that after giving birth to two children I might view a pap smear as a walk in the park, but I never really get over that ick factor when I book the appointment.

Another thing that’s a constant is my socks. I always wear socks during my OBGYN exams. Even in the heat and humidity of late spring when I was pregnant with Caitlin and waddled in with sandals strapped over my water retentive sausage toes, I stuck a pair of socks in my bag. For one thing, my feet get cold as I hang out in the examining room. And as you sit in your a flimsy cloth gown, that’s pretty much all you can do…hang out, literally, and perhaps flip through a pre-Brangelina issue of People. I can think of some simple changes that would make pap smears so much more tolerable: current magazines, a full service bar, heated blankets, and perhaps chair massages in the waiting room.

Back to the socks. Not only do they warm my toes, I think they provide some comfort in ensuring that at least one part of my body is covered.

Any way, during my recent exam my doctor takes a look at my black Gold Toe brand, very utilitarian, very warm socks and comments, “I’ve got socks just like those.”

Great. I have the same black socks as my close to retirement male gynecologist.

Before I left, he asked a few standard questions for new patient paperwork. Although I am not a new patient, he is sharing office space with another doctor until he moves into his new office space this summer and therefore all his patients must be treated, at least on paper, as new.

He asked what medications I was taking and what I was doing as far as birth control.

I should have looked at him and said, “I wear these black socks to bed!”


  1. Pattie says:

    Jamie! This was a truly hilarious post!
    I also wear socks during the pap exam and talk incessantly. Oh, and don’t tell my husband, but I steal his black socks and wear them on occasion, too.

  2. Bluegrass Mama says:

    This and your eye appointment all in one week? I’m impressed! Probably because I’m overdue for both, not to mention my squeeze-a-gram.

  3. kelli says:

    “Great. I have the same black socks as my close to retirement male gynecologist.” This, made me laugh!

    I’ve never gotten over the ick factor either. I can’t stand when you hear “Ok, a lot of pressure”. NO SHIT! I have a metal rod and your fingers stuck up my vajooj!

  4. Charla says:

    I wear socks, too.

    My OB/Gyn is a pro at small talk during the “deed.” Usually it’s resturants, but last time it was the new Lowe’s that is being built in my town. I didn’t say it was ingaging conversation, but it works for me!

  5. Anne says:

    HAH! I love that your Dr wears those same socks. Shan and I are both into the GT athletic variety. cough.

  6. Blonde Mom says:

    I need to post a picture of my striped slipper socks that I wore in labor with Caitlin that I STILL WEAR. Love ’em. They’re starting to get holes, though, from so many washings.

    Maybe I’ll break them out for Valentine’s day!

    Sexay. 😉

  7. mayberry says:


    At my ob/gyn’s, they have little covers on the stirrups to warm them up — emblazoned with the words “I hate this part.” It does kind of make me smile!

  8. Mrs. M says:

    Ha Ha on the socks to bed as birth control. But ohmygosh I’m the same way in that I. MUST. wear. socks! I’m not sure why they make me feel better, but in some way it gives me a bit of modesty to exposing my cha cha to a couple of nearly strangers. And a stocked bar…..not that’s something even I haven’t though of!

  9. Anne Glamore says:

    HA! I went today and of course wore my socks. I also put a little perfume on my socks and my kneecaps just so things would smell nice for him.

    A polite patient,

    Anne Glamore

  10. Blonde Mom says:

    So maybe I need to blog about the time I wore Simpsons panties to a prenatal appointment (they have Maggie the baby on them.) Uh…and like I still have the panties. Snort.

  11. mamatulip says:


    I always wear socks too. But I wear those little ankle socks…Dave calls them “bootie socks”…and I’m pretty sure my gyno doesn’t wear them.

    Maybe I should ask. 😉

  12. Pandeism Fish says:

    I’ve got socks
    Lots of socks
    More than just a box of socks;
    Stocks of socks
    Blocks of socks
    Tending to my flocks of socks
    Planes and trucks and trains of socks,
    Running off the tracks with socks!!

    My socks stand stacked up on the docks
    Everyone gawks upon my socks
    But woe be he who knocks my socks
    Or, dread and horror, mocks my socks
    My socks for jocks
    And socks for hawks
    And socks for every footy fox
    And socks for people punching clocks
    And socks with locks and locks and locks*
    (My Indian name is “talks with socks”)

    Some folks have got rocks in their socks;
    Me, I’ve got socks in my rocks!!
    And that, well that just rocks my socks
    (I travel far, yet have no car,
    and socks are great for he who walks)!!


    *And, no, I have no socks with lox….

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