Chafe My Ass Friday

I almost hesitate to inject snark into the blogosphere today as there are so many wonderful Mother’s Day posts of love and friendship, but once I start something it’s hard to let it go. Just ask my husband. My blog has been oozing with so much estrogen lately I wouldn’t be surprised if I catch him sprinkling my laptop with Bud Lite.

So in honor of Mother’s Day Weekend and for the new mothers, the pregnant mothers, and the trying to conceive mothers with whom I share blogging friendships (as well as my friend Staci who just had a baby boy), I thought I’d take a trip back into time and list some of my all-time ass chafing moments from pregnancy. Because Lord knows people love to impart wisdom on you when you’re a quivering mass of hormones, cravings, and mysterious aches, pains, and secretions, not to mention feeling about as attractive as a pot-bellied pig with boobs (at least that’s what I felt like toward the end with my first pregnancy). And no, I’m not pregnant. This is one mama who ain’t buyin’ any more home pregnancy tests.

Here are my all-time a** chafing pregnancy moments:

The man who asked me when I was about 8 months pregnant with Caitlin if I was pregnant with twins. Thanks dude.

The ditzy blonde salesperson who, as I was chatting about my newly announced state of pregnancy with Caitlin, asked me if I was happy. She quickly followed this up by asking me if the pregnancy was planned. Uh…was your wedding planned? Or was it a shotgun wedding? Are you always this socially awkward, and, if so, you may want to get out of sales.

My OBGYN, a man intimately familiar with the state of my cervix for many years, went out of town when I went into labor at 38 weeks pregnant with Caitlin. A doctor I’d never laid eyes on, whose last name rhymes with Stinky, ended up delivering her via emergency c-section so I suppose the cervical knowledge was a moot point although it would have been nice to have someone I’d met before vacuum suction my child’s noggin’ out of my belly.

The woman at the roadside vegetable stand who asked me if I was having a girl or a boy when I was about six months pregnant with Amelia and who adamantly insisted, “Nawwww….yer havin’ a boy. You look like yer havin’ a boy the way you’re carryin’ that baby. Yep, it’s a boy.”

And everyone who told me how miserable and swollen I would be having a June baby with Caitlin. Thanks! Do people walk up and tell you how miserable and bloated you’re going to be while you’re eating a Whopper and fries?

So, those are my top favorite ass chafing moments from pregnancy. Do you have any ass-chafing memories from pregnancy?

And…speaking of Mother’s Day, be sure to visit the Mommybloggers website tomorrow and Sunday for their holiday weekend Q&A with several moms (including me!)

10 comments

  1. Charla says:

    Oooh…I have one to add to your list!

    A man I work with (who thinks he is hot stuff – even though he’s pushing 70) asked me if I had gained as much weight this pregnancy (with Claire) because I looked much bigger last time. ??? Was that supposed to be a compliment?

    Thanks for sharing your “laughing” moments!

  2. Emily says:

    I had the cashier at the Dollar Tree tell me, when I was about 8 months, that I was having a girl, no matter what the ultrasound said. Right… I’m sure she was just working at the Dollar Tree part time to pay those med school loans.

    And I’ve had a lot of folks this time ask if I was disappointed we’re having another boy, and if we’ll try again for a girl. Sorry folks, I’m happy as can be, boy or girl (and really excited about having another boy now), and the shop is closed after this pregnancy.

  3. mama_tulip says:

    When I was pregnant with Julia my brother-in-law and his girlfriend came over. I was about 7 or 8 months, I think, and she walked in the room, looked at me and said, “Hey, Tubby.”

  4. nancy says:

    Here’s a bad one — I was NOT pregnant when I wore a flowy dress to a friend’s bridal shower and this sweet little old lady beamed at me and asked, “So when is your baby due?”

    I BURNED that dress that night.

  5. Mari says:

    Oh, I’m still boycotting a bookstore because of the way the man treated me while I was pregnant with Matthew. It was a local bookstore which bought used books, and since I was about to purge several bags’ worth, I called ahead to ask if they could help me (7 months pregnant) carry them from the car. The owner told me what days someone would be able to help, suggesting I find a spot closeby so the store would not be unattended. When I arrived at the appointed time, the man behind the counter refused to help me. Instead, he chose to take a smoking break out front and talk to a buddy while he watched me carry bag after bag up to the front counter. So much for chivalry and customer service!

  6. Jennifer says:

    I am a walking poster child for birth control right now.

    Bitchy, hormonal, uncomfortable, heartburn, no appetite, achy, whiny and tired.

    This pregnancy, when I was 7 weeks along my Chiropractor declared I was having twins. Thanks dude, you are SOOOO off my christmas card list.

    My grandma decided that we needed to try again for the Almighty Boy. *sigh*

    I think what chaffs me the most though, is my friend, who has has EIGHT children (her second has CP severely) and keeps a very clean house, a catered after husband and generally leaves the rest of us in the dust looking like a bunch of lazy asses. SHE chaffs my ass.

  7. Fuzu says:

    Ooh dang i just wrote a big comment and when i submitted it it came up blank! Please please tell me it worked properly? I dont want to sumit it again if i do not have to! Either the blog bugged out or i am an idiot, the second option doesnt surprise me lol.

  8. Brian says:

    I must appreciate the efforts you have made in writing this write-up. It has been an encouragement to me. I have passed this on to a friend of mine. thankyou

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