Mama Don’t Get No Flex Time

I’m gainfully employed four days a week, but I never clock out from my mama job. When you’re a mom you have an invisible beeper duct-taped to your forehead 24/7. No one else may see it, but your kids have the number and boy do they like to dial it. Speed dial. Pre-programmed. Unrelentless. At least until they’re 18 or their college loans are paid off.

I have picked up some handy skills since becoming a mother. That coupled with my corporate experience has led me to draft some interesting job titles, should I ever need to whip out my mom resume. Prepare to be dazzled with this vitae de resistance.

CFI (Chief Feces Inspector)
I can tell if you’ve had too much sugar, fiber, or ingested too much whole kernel corn in one glance.
LNW (Lead Nose Wiper)
Mastering the one-handed booger grab since 2002.
TAO (Tantrum Avoider Officer)
Skilled in identifying tantrums before they become full-fledged headache inducing public displays.
CTN (Chief Toy Negotiator)
Encouraging diplomacy and sharing between siblings, with the sneak pop-in-a-video tactic as a last resort.
SCD (Secretary of Consumer Distraction)
Successfully avoiding the “I Want That!” syndrome encouraged by TV commercials. (Thank God for the fast-forward button on the Tivo remote!)
KCE (Kid Cuisine Expert)
Adeptly balancing junk food and healthy foods without raising suspicion amongst the little people.
SBN (Secretary of Bedtime Negotiation)
Streamlining the feed the fish, brush the teeth, read the same book twice routine into a seamless process with a 99 percent success rate.
FDSC (Future Diva Style Consultant)
Giving helpful advice on key beauty and fashion decisions, from sparkle lotion to Dollar Tree bling.
LWE (Lead Whine Exterminator)
Skillfully snuffing out incessant whining without resorting to candy or other bribery.

And the list could go on. Who says a woman will never be president? Not only will she be a woman…she’ll be a mom.

18 comments

  1. nancy says:

    These are great. Lots of them would be wonderful as blog taglines — “Mastering the one-handed booger grab since 2002.” LOL!

  2. Renee says:

    WOW! impressive. I possess many of those skills and never even realized it. Thanks for making me feel so important!

  3. Emily says:

    I’m going to have to consult you on your “CTN (Chief Toy Negotiator)” skills when our second one arrives!

  4. Bluegrass Mama says:

    Do you offer an seminars in the Whine Extermination field? I’ve been doing this job for over 20 years and have yet to master that particular skill. It comes up in my review. every. single. year.

  5. Jamie says:

    That does it…I think we all deserve a raise! Just think of all the unmentioned mom “accreditations” we all have. 🙂

    Nancy, the “booger grab” is my fave. I think it would make a very interesting image for a tagline and artwork!

    Emily, picking something that Jack can do that baby brother can’t (like coloring or PlayDoh) is always a good distraction. But I am not beneath using special treats as bribery (uh…reward) for good behavior!

    Bluegrass Mama, are you telling me the whining doesn’t get any better?! Uh oh. 🙂

  6. SistaSmiff says:

    The whine doesn’t get better and those booger grabbing, butt wiping skills are just training for teenagers. Oh boy. Now THAT takes skill!

  7. Nicole says:

    Okay, so I only update my resume when I’m getting ready to apply for another job. Are you trying to tell us something? Hmmm?

  8. Jamie says:

    As Whitney says, “Helltothanaw!” No more babies for us. Two weddings to pay for is enough. 🙂

  9. Mrs. Flinger says:

    LOL.. Luff it. I believe I updated my resume when LB was tiny. But I’m sure we can add more to it now.

  10. Mari says:

    I personally find my job as CFI fascinating! We tell our kids that bowel movements are private, personal things not to be discussed in polite company. But we have 15 minute discussions with our soulmates about texture, odor, color, shape, and frequency. What gives?

    And yes! A raise sounds perfect.

    You have such a creative mind, Jamie.

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