Rise and shine! I feel perky and so rested. I bound out of bed, throw on my silk robe, step into my monogrammed slippers, and pour a cup of gourmet coffee. The girls sleep peacefully as I hop in the shower to exfoliate my recently pedicured tootsies, shave my legs, and moisturize my hair while I listen to NPR. I am so on top of current events! I apply my makeup at my dressing table and the hubby brings in a breakfast tray boasting French Toast lightly dusted with powdered sugar and fresh squeezed orange juice. As I slip into a wrinkle free size 4 black pantsuit I found for 75 percent off at Ann Taylor the girls come running in and hug me, their hair tangle free, their eyes bright and bearing no eye boogers. Caitlin has not only dressed herself in an adorable monogrammed jumper and tights, but has changed her baby sister’s diaper and gone so far as to color coordinate their outfits! They eat a nutritiously balanced breakfast at the kitchen table with the hubby while I watch CNN because I have 15 minutes to spare. We pile into my clean and crumb free car and are merrily on our way to daycare. There is no traffic, the sun shines brightly, and I arrive at work five minutes early.
Reality? Wake up 30 minutes late because we forgot to set the alarm clock. Curse myself for oversleeping. Hubby is snoring and asks me to wake him up in a half hour because he worked late the night before. Try to sneak into our hallway bathroom to get a quick shower and the three-year-old comes bounding in professing her hunger. Hand her a cold Pop Tart straight from the box and set her butt in front of the Disney Channel. Jump in the shower and the baby wakes up while I am about to wet my hair. Skip the shampooing (after all, I washed it two days ago!) Make the baby a bottle and throw some Honey Nut Cheerios at her and ignore the dogs happily gobbling up the cereal she drops. Apply makeup in record time and put on a pair of khakis and a sweater (what’s that unidentified dried substance on the front?) Realize that the coffee filter has shifted and coffee grounds are swimming around in my much needed jolt of caffeine. Dump the coffee down the drain. Wrestle with the three-year-old as she giggles maniacally and runs naked through the house. Resign to let the 3-year-old wear her favorite jeans, despite being in the hamper and smelling a bit like urine. Get both girls loaded into the car and dropped off at daycare. Make it half way to the office and realize I left the lunch I had packed the night before in the refrigerator. Get stuck behind a blue hair driving 15 miles below the speed limit. Arrive at office 20 minutes late and hope no one notices. Decide to take the stairs and run into the president of the company. Make a stupid joke about “those darn kids.” Grab a cup of fresh coffee in the break room and chat briefly with a co-worker who tells me I have lipstick on my teeth. Settle in at my desk to rest my brain for a good hour while pretending to intently check e-mail and voice mail. Find solace in the fact that it’s the hubby’s night to pick the kids up from daycare and I have a surplus of frozen pizzas in the fridge.
Whew. No wonder I’m a bit nervous about returning to the office in a few weeks.