Welcome to my 2008 Holiday Toys From Hell guide. You should sever all ties with anyone who gives your child one of these gifts. Or just give their child an equally hellacious toy.

Hell In A Helmet

Playskool’s Adventure Squad Police helmet makes me happy I have girls. Have you seen the commercial where the dad is “arrested” and put behind a baby gate? I can’t think of anything more nightmarish than to encourage a kid to chase an unwitting victim (think small dog , younger sibling, or worse, YOU) around the house. From Amazon.com…the microphone actually works, and will amplify your child’s voice. Children will love stopping lawbreakers in their tracks by saying things such as “Stop and put your hands up!”

Shoot me now. Please.

Skanky Puppy

My girls are completely enthralled with the Tini Puppini stuffed dogs, or as I like to call them, Puppies Need A Pimp. Seriously, if your little girl is begging for a dog that looks like a stripper and has a cute stripper name, like Toffee, this is for you!

Puppy needs a pimp!

Frightening Clown Stuck In A Muffin Dolls

I’ll give you sweeet nightmares!

Marie Osmond should really stick to singing. Someone please stop the creepy clown china doll madness. I suspect anyone buying these dolls has crocheted toilet paper covers.

Disturbing Baby Elvis Doll

Thank you very much. Not.

Marie Osmond has talent, but again, I’m not sure it’s dollmaking.

Larvae Plush

This is just so strange, but maybe your kid finds plush larvae to be extremely soothing?

Do you have any additions to my toys from hell list?