humor

Love Is All You Need (Well, That And Wine)

February 13, 2012 By Blonde Mom 9 Comments

Photo from D Sharon Pruitt, Pink Sherbet Photography (Flickr Creative Commons)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

To all my parent friends, do you remember Valentine’s with your spouse before kids? Heck do you remember LIFE before kids? And wait…are people actually going out to celebrate Valentine’s Day?

All kidding aside, we’ll have a nice dinner, but it will be at home with the girls.

Here’s my take on Valentine’s Day, pre-kids and post-kids. Good times.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Spending hours combing through lingerie racks at Victoria’s Secret.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Spending hours trying to find a sucker, I mean babysitter.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Finding the perfect romantic restaurant.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Finding the best takeout pizza coupon.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Spraying tantalizing perfume on all your pulse points.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Spraying disinfectant on all your household surfaces and praying no one brings home the latest crud from school.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Writing the perfect love letter.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Writing your kids’ classmates names on their Valentine party favors.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Savoring each bite of Godiva chocolate.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Wolfing down the Godiva chocolate in your car before you pick up your kids from school.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Waking up to a nice steamy shower together.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Waking up to a nice steamy poop filled diaper.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Staying up late watching a classic romantic period film.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Staying up late watching your 4th grader rehearse her Revolutionary War oral report.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Falling asleep in each others’ arms after reading each other poetry.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Falling asleep in your kids’ beds after reading the latest Diary of a Wimpy Kid book.

Valentine’s Day Pre-Kids
Slipping into your sexiest heels.
Valentine’s Day Post-Kids
Slipping into your comfiest yoga pants.

Do you have any Valentine’s Day pre-kids, post-kids snippets of your own to share?

Filed Under: Parenting 9 Comments

A Kinder, Gentler, Nerdier Mid-Life Crisis

October 5, 2011 By Blonde Mom 6 Comments

I’ve been making a concerted effort to cut back on our TV consumption. We don’t watch much to begin with so it hasn’t been a big sacrifice, plus this fall has been extremely busy with travel soccer and twice weekly practices for Miss C and soccer and Girl Scouts activities for Miss A, not to mention homework. Oh LORD the homework, especially for Miss C (my 4th grader.)

Speaking of 4th grade, as part of her ongoing homework Miss C is supposed to read 30 minutes a night and in order to set a good example I’ve been reading at night, too. I headed to the library last week with a list of about a dozen books and one by one realized that they were all checked out but one. Looking for library books without a list is like me shopping at the mall without some idea of what I’m looking for. If I don’t have a plan of action I can wander the aisles forever and walk out empty handed. Call me the queen of indecisiveness (my husband does).

As I headed toward the front of the library with my book I passed a kind-faced elderly man shuffling his way toward the large-print section of books. And then a light bulb went off in my head…an evil light bulb of genius! I strolled over nonchalantly to the large-print aisles and skimmed the books. I saw one of the titles I was interested in reading but as I plucked it from the shelf I paused. I mean technically I am blind as a bat without my contact lenses in, but was it wrong to check out a large-print book? Was my moral fiber frazzling? Was I just one deceptively innocent step away from arm wrestling a grandma on senior discount day at my local grocery store to grab the last can of chicken noodle soup? Would the library alarm system go off as soon I scanned the book at self check out and start announcing all my past-due fines? Would I be black listed from our local library system forever, shaming my family into library exile?

As these frantic, albeit melodramatic, thoughts rushed through my brain I decided to chance it. I mean for all anyone knew I was checking the book out for someone else. When the ghost of Dewey Decimal did not visit my dreams I forgot about it…until yesterday when I returned a book for the girls at the same library branch. I avoided eye contact with the library clerk and managed to duck in and out without anyone yelling, “HEY YOU! You! Large-print fraud woman!”

To heap on even more guilt, hubby was up working late and came into our bedroom to kiss me goodnight but not before asking, “Is that a large-print book?”

“Uh, yes. Yes it is. WHAT?” I peered up and over my glasses at him.

Some people have mid-life crises that involve convertibles and tattoos, mine involve checking out large-print books at my local library.

I am such a nerd.

I’ll be returning that book after hours in the drop-off box outside the library. Not that I feel guilty or anything.

Paradise Breeze For A Buck

July 18, 2011 By Blonde Mom 4 Comments

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt, Pink Sherbet Photography, (free Creative Commons license)

Generally speaking taking kids grocery shopping gets easier as they get older, although the nice thing about babies is they are self-contained little creatures who can’t run off the second they see the seasonal gotcha aisle of the month (“MOM…! Look at the candy! MOM…I NEED this water gun!”)

I do sometimes miss the get the heck in, get the heck out pre-kids days of ninja grocery shopping and let’s not even talk about how having school-age children opens up entire chasms in awkward parenting conversations thanks to the checkout line gossip magazines. Recently my 9-year-old, Miss C, waved a glossy magazine at me and read the cover headline, “How Teen Mom Ruined My Life.” I scraped out of that with a brief, “Yes, teenagers should NOT be parents.” Satisfied with my response, she dropped the topic after this sage remark, “Yeah mom, teenagers shouldn’t be parents…they’re too busy wanting to hang out with their friends!”

Whew.

Mom: 1. Entertainment rag: ZERO.

A few days ago I had to practically drag the girls to the store with me and I promised them I only needed to buy two things so I guess grocery shopping with me isn’t exactly fun and games for them, either.

I took a short cut through the home cleaning aisle on the way to grab milk with them trailing behind but they both stopped immediately in their tracks to gaze lovingly at the rows and rows of air fresheners.

Yes, air fresheners.

The girls were grabbing air fresheners off the shelves and sniffing them like they were artisan hand-dipped soy candles on Oprah’s favorite things list, when, in fact, they were just Renuzit air fresheners for a buck.

It takes very little to entertain my kids apparently.

They practically begged me to buy them each an air freshener for their rooms so I told them I was fine with getting them each one but that if they saw something else for a dollar I’d get that instead.

They professed their love for the air fresheners and tossed them joyfully into the cart.

Their rooms now smell like paradise breeze, which I must admit is better than African Dwarf Frog (Miss A’s room) or I Will Survive Because I have a Stripper Name Hermit Crab (Miss C’s room.)

Let’s not talk about what their unbridled glee over air fresheners says about my housekeeping skills.