Girl Gone Wild

I’ve mentioned before we don’t watch much TV and lately we’ve been gravitating toward public TV and nature or historical type shows with the girls now that two of our favorite summer shows, Expedition Impossible and America’s Got Talent, are over. Of course they get their weekly quota of Nick Jr. We’re not total TV teetotallers, not to mention we do popcorn and movie night every Friday.

Hubby was channel flipping a few weeks ago and he discovered Man, Woman, Wild on Discovery Channel. If you’re not familiar with it, think Survivor featuring a couple. She’s a former TV news anchor and he’s former special ops military and an expert in survival tactics. They get dropped off in the middle of nowhere and must find civilization. It’s pretty interesting considering I’d last 2 seconds if I got dropped off in the middle of the Amazon rainforest without WiFi or my memory foam pillow or a nearby Target.

Any way, the girls find it really interesting, too, so hubby taped a few episodes. Last week at Miss C’s soccer practice we parental types were talking about favorite TV shows (I am missing my Mad Men dammit!)

Miss A walks up to one of the dads and out of the blue announces, “You know what TV show I like? WILD. MAN. WOMAN,” with emphasis on each word like she’s announcing bingo letters at the old folks’ home.

And then I quickly interjected with, “Oh it’s NOT what you think. It’s on the Discovery Channel and…”

The dad laughed and looked over at me and said, “Sure…yeah. Sure.

Between this and the pole dancing at the pool episode this summer I’ve got to keep a close eye on this kid.

Cougar Elementary

Now that I’m a parent of a 2nd grader I thought I’d share some fashion trends to avoid wearing to your child’s school unless you want to be labeled a Cougar, especially if you’re around age 40 like me.

Once the holidays hit you can pretty well assume other parents have labeled whether you’re a cougar of the carpool lane or not, and you can wear whatever you darn well please, room moms be damned. Just be sure to never wear pants with writing on the bottom as that is never acceptable at any age.

Strapless anything. Save this for your next Moms Gone Wild bunco night! Actually I kind of like this top but I think the last time I wore anything strapless was my wedding night. Yes I am practical. It’s not like I’m wearing velour jogging suits. Yet.

Leopard Tube Top


Stilettos. You’re going to need to be quick on your feet to get you and your kids and their bulky backpacks and lunch boxes in and out of the carpool lane as fast as humanly possible before the whistle’s blown to move ‘em on out so wear stylish, but comfortable, shoes. I am admittedly practical when it comes to footwear, although I have yet to buy a pair of Danskos. I would seriously injure myself if I attempted to get in and out of my car in these babies, though, in any state of grace. It wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Leopard Stilettos


Daisy Duke wear. Anything channeling Daisy Duke or Jessica Simpson playing Daisy Duke is not good. Polka dots as a general rule are a bad choice unless you’re 18 months old and wearing a diaper or you work at Disney World.


Daisy Duke


Short shorts. I don’t care how much money you’ve spent on spray tanning and laser touch ups and personal training sessions with Finn this summer, short shorts are not good. I found these on a website selling for $172 and no I am not joking. (Pair of scissors to a pair of jeans anyone?)


Short shorts



Liquid leggings. These are just plain impractical, unless you don’t have to breathe for long stretches of time while sitting in the car. Plus if you sneak a bag of Cheetos at lunch, well everyone will know.


Liquid Leggings



Booty call beach wear. You may have a killer tan left over from your trip to Florida over Labor Day weekend that I, queen of freckling, covets, but you might want to hold off on the outfits better suited for Cabo unless your kids go to Cabo Elementary or you are a Victoria’s Secret model.


VS dress


Short short rompers. Shorty zip up rompers are probably best left to, well, not me.



RomperI hope these friendly fashion tips help all you moms age 40 and older avoid looking like a Cougar and fueling any nasty rumors at the next PTO meeting. If you’ve already committed a few of these Cougar fashion crimes, you can always order a Quacker Factory sweater for your child’s holiday party in December.


quacker factory sweater





Instant antidote to Cougar-dom: the teddy bear holiday sweater. Bonus points if it lights up. Triple points if you have light up earrings or a light up pin that plays Jingle Bells.


Disclosure: Amazon affiliate link used.

Considering Banning Spongebob Indefinitely

On the way home from buying a new mattress Sunday (rest in peace old plank, hubby and I and our twinging backs will not miss you), the girls were giddy with late afternoon errand running tiredness and the amusement of pouncing on mattress after mattress after mattress. When the very young salesperson told us to lie down on our prospective mattress and just relax for 15 minutes or so to get a feel for it we laughed because by then the girls would have hijacked the store delivery truck and headed for the nearest McDonald’s.

I turned around to tell the girls something and Miss C makes a comment that can only come from a 6-year-old.

Mommy, let me see your Spongebob teeth.

What?

Mommy, you’ve got Spongebob teeth

I am then bombarded with a litany of Spongebob insults from Miss C which somehow segued into boob talk (it’s either boobs or poop around here) followed by non-stop laughter and Miss C giving herself a wicked case of the hiccups from laughing so hard.

Mommy you’ve got Spongebob boobies!

No…you’ve got Patrick boobies!

And then the worse of the backseat club insults:

Mommy you’ve got Squidward boobies!


I’m not sure what classifies my boobies as Squidward boobies, but it can’t be good.

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