People Of Walmart: Turkeys, Tattoos, and Lounge Pants Oh My


Waiting in line with all the other crazies.


I’m not a Black Friday shopper so when my sister-in-law asked me to brave my hometown Walmart Thanksgiving night so she could score a discounted ping pong table I thought she might be losing it. And then I was crazy enough to accompany her. Who’s crazy now?

Would we need a bodyguard? Would we get in a Jerry Springer style scuffle over $4 board games? Would we get in and out of the store without getting a black eye?

I was prepared for full-on craziness but when we pulled into the bustling parking lot it wasn’t quite as insane as I’d expected. There were no police cars patrolling the parking lot or people spilling out the door. I would soon realize this was because all the crazy was INSIDE THE STORE.

People were already clogging the aisles with shopping carts spilling over with toys, electronics, and children. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to take my kids to Walmart on a normal shopping day, much less Thanksgiving night when everyone is sugared up and exhausted. I saw one woman pushing an ENTIRE PALLET, a virtual flotilla of Walmart goodness, from a battery operated kiddy jeep to flannel lounge pants. It was like that scene in the Grinch Who Stole Christmas when the Grinch’s sleigh is spilling over with gifts. Imagine Walmart on the busiest day ever times ten. People were bug-eyed with bargain hunting zeal and dressed in their best loungewear (I especially loved the guy wearing a wife beater and blue lounge pants with orange flames.) It was obvious from the looks of most carts that these were serious shoppers who planned on knocking out all their holiday shopping in one night as well as knocking out any uncaffeinated amateur in their path. I gulped. These people could smell my fear. I was an amateur among diehards.

Operation Procure Ping Pong Table began. We were like a special forces shopping team decked out in jeans, running shoes, and carrying cute purses. We moved swiftly toward the area of the store which was supposed to feature the ping pong table. She and I both spotted the pallet with the ping pong table in a large box. Let me repeat THE ping pong table. There was only ONE LEFT and there were still about 45 minutes left before the official 8 p.m. markdowns kicked in. Obviously we weren’t the only shoppers who’d arrived early to swoop up the 8 p.m. deals. I envisioned myself doing a Kung Fu Panda type back flip and flying over the crowds, taking out a velour jogging suit clad grandma to snag that sucker. In reality I over politely nudged my way through the bottle necked aisle, stood by the box and tugged meekly on the sleeve of the Walmart employee who was squeezing her way past me toward the $10 pogo sticks.

The ping pong table was in a box as big as a barn door. Two employees lifted it and placed it precariously on my sister-in-law’s shopping cart which I fully expected to collapse under the weight. We slowly moved through the crowds, pushing it like a giant barge, so we could locate a few more items.

Operation Procure Ping Pong Table was a success. We were in the store for about an hour and checked out in under 25 minutes. Don’t they present presidential medals of honor for that sort of thing or, at the very least, a lifetime supply of lounge pants?

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I'm Jamie, a 40-something Nashville mom desperately seeking a few moments of Zen and zinfandel between soccer practice and supper. I love to travel, find great deals, and talk with my hands. My former beach bartender husband founded MouseCalls Computer Services. We have two daughters, three dogs, and too much laundry. Email me at blondemomblog @ gmail.com.

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Comments

  1. Too funny! I laughed out loud…again!

  2. You’re lucky you got in and out unscathed. I saw a video someone took on their phone at a Walmart on Black Friday morning and it was unreal. A circle of people, all trying to get to the box in the middle, shoving and pushing and practically climbing on top of each other.

    p.s. now you have me wondering why I’ve never bought a Ping Pong table for my house :)

    p.p.s. I know it’s been forever since I stopped by, so HI JAMIE! lol

  3. you are brave
    mama stopped this many years ago.
    love the way you write :)

  4. I’ve always wondered what it was really like but there’s NO way I’d do it. Loved reading about it.

  5. My daughter in-laws bought a ping pong table for their son. They did not have a car big enough to haul it so we drove several hours north and put it in our large car. The son and my daughter did not have a house big enough to open it, so the ping pong table now sits in our basement and is folder up in a corner of the storage room and gets used maybe once every three years!!

  6. Beverly Dixon says:

    You are a brave one! I am trying to get the nerve to do Cyber Monday!

  7. Brava!

  8. Jennifer Conti says:

    Glad to hear you got out in one piece. My husband and son
    braved the Walmart crowd for that ping pong table too. We
    are already using it and it’s awesome – worth the battle – I can say that because I didn’t go with them.

  9. hahaha! thanks for making me laugh. I get so tired with sales like this one, I prefer online battles :D

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