The Devil Wore Prada And Jeggings, Apparently

Like any former shopaholic on a tight budget, I found myself itching to buy a few things for my California trip this weekend. It’s supposed to be about 50 degrees warmer there on Sunday alone so this was the perfect excuse to shop. Really I don’t need a reason, though, now, do I?

I’ve been wanting to try skinny jeans or jeggings and I found the perfect magenta long sweater at Goodwill (new with tags, score!) to wear with them. I headed to TJ Maxx and grabbed several things to try on while I was there, but I had limited time before the girls would be home from school with my neighbor. It was time to play beat the clock. I locked the dressing room door and scanned the items before I settled on a time efficient strategy. I tried on a sweater dress first but wasn’t that crazy about it and then I tried on some really comfortable black leggings in an almost sweater type fabric. These were great and a definite must buy.

I decided to tackle the jeggings last since they were intimidating me in all their jeggings glory. I glanced at them and realized I’d grabbed a size small. While I am not a large person, I am a grown 41-year-old woman who is at least 10 pounds heavier than what she was five years ago when, thanks to the miracle of lactation, she got pretty slim after the birth of her second baby. Hurrah!

Because I’m some sort of dressing room sadist, I decided to try them on any way.

Not realizing these jeggings were made out of some sort of skin sucking lycra denim fabric hand loomed by Satan’s minions themselves, I found myself struggling to get them past my ankles. I knew I was screwed when I could barely coerce them over my CALVES.  These jeggings were the circulation cut off equivalent of those Chinese finger catcher gag toys. I started to panic. I could not peel them off my lower legs so I started to peel them UP my legs and once I got a little traction and moved them past my knees I thought I could just get a little leverage going and then rip them off my body in one fell swoop, even if it meant ripping them and paying for them.

I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE JEGGINGS but I was firmly in their hold. I finally got them up to just past the crack of my butt and realized that these made me look like I had not a traditional mama muffin top, but a full on box of hot steaming donuts top. Every spare ounce of skin on my legs and thighs and butt was being sucked up and spilling over the waistband. I felt like a denim Sharpei.

These were like Spanx on steroids. I was certain I’d have burn marks on my skin if they would ever release me.

I somehow determinedly peeled them off my legs, nearly fell tripping over myself just trying to get my feet released, and decided that jeggings were not in my immediate future should I want to be able to regain full use of my legs.

I did consider for a split second buying them just so I could set them on fire.

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I'm Jamie, a 40-something Nashville mom desperately seeking a few moments of Zen and zinfandel between soccer practice and supper. I love to travel, find great deals, and talk with my hands. My former beach bartender husband founded MouseCalls Computer Services. We have two daughters, three dogs, and too much laundry. Email me at blondemomblog @ gmail.com.

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Comments

  1. I am almost crying from laughing!! I attempted to try on a pair of boots at Goody’s yesterday and could not get the d*&%^ things zipped! I don’t think my legs are all that big, but these boots were for a twig.

  2. Oh Lordie that’s funny!

    PS - Have you seen the “Conan wearing jeggings” video yet? I don’t know I could ever wear them and not dance like this in them:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/03/conan-jeggings_n_791512.html

  3. Amy:

    They were definitely not meant for me. Maybe skinny jeans are more my style. They actually come in a normal size range, too!

    Colleen:

    That is freaking hilarious! No I had not seen that. Conan makes me laugh every time. And this proves he is the world’s thinnest, palest red head! ;)

  4. The Daily Beast had this really funny article about Jeggings. I’ve never been able to take them seriously since reading it!
    Thanks for sharing:-)

    -Liza
    http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-01-14/the-trend-from-hell/

  5. SNORT! FUNNY! TEE-HEE-HEE! LOVE IT!

  6. They were obviously meant for a 100 pound college student, of which I am neither! ;)

    I’m still on a hunt for skinny jeans for “normal” non-sadist non-stick people and I read on Petit Elefant’s blog about her successful quest. Maybe I need to try the Land’s End brand. I’m also short so I need short or petite length. Difficult, difficult, difficult!

    Here’s her post:

    http://www.petitelefant.com/skinny-jeans-on-a-curvy-girl

    My 8-year-old wants a pair of jeggings so perhaps that is my clue that they ain’t right for mama!

  7. “I did consider for a split second buying them just so I could set them on fire.”

    Best quote of 2010, I swear

  8. HILARIOUS!

  9. Ok, now that I am not laughing, I can reply. I read this to my savvy shopper daughter. She suggests you shop at the local Gap or Gap Outlet. She is a college student, but not 100 lbs. She purchased jeggings at Gap Retail and a pair of Premium Skinny Jeans at Gap Outlet/Gap Factory. She is not a tall girl, only 5’ 3” when she stretches. She also suggests trying the local Banana Republic Factory Store – her favorite store of all!

    Keep looking, you will find some. Great score on the sweater

  10. That was funny. I can imagine you in the dressing room tripping over yourself to get out of them. Did you make it to get your daughter on time? I can only imagine explaining why mommy was late. lol I wanted to try these with a sweater dress I just purchased. Now, I’m scared. lol Good laugh before bed.

  11. So funny! You are so articulate i could totally picture you out wrestling against the jeggings! Hey for the love of shopping it’s a good thing you tried them on before actually buying them. =) Love your post!

  12. You made me laugh out loud!! I have bought a pair of jeggings too but must admit like you they seem to enhance all the worst areas of my body and certainly draw attention to my baby belly!! I’ll stick to the skinny jeans that at least hold everything in place! Great post! Stacey x

  13. It takes a lot to make your mom laugh – laugh until her sides hurt.
    You did it with this entry….

  14. You are hilarious! This has happened to me so many times. I’ll see a dress or pair of jeans or a dress that I want to try on, do so, and literally be held captive. LOL!

  15. That is absolutely hysterical!! I love the part about how you thought they might leave burn marks & you called them Spanx on steroids, lol.

    A few weeks ago I was brave and tried on a pair of skinny jeans, but apparently skinny jeans don’t necessarily make you look skinny?! It was a total disaster…

  16. Gap Jeggings, baby! You can buy a size down and they stretch out so they make you feel all skinny and nice… :)

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] I had a blast and and I think this was just the fashion intervention I needed before I slipped into a permanent flip flops and yoga pants rut. Thanks to CAbi I found a lot of energy and inspiration from some amazing women and I finally found a pair of jeggings that didn’t kill me. [...]

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