A Letter To My Formerly Flat Stomach


Me in 1994, 24 years old, at Jacksonville Beach, Florida. Let’s not calculate how long ago this was. Ahem.


Dear Tan and Toned Stomach of 1994:


I miss you terribly. I am now dedicated to starting at the ceiling and doing crunches for the next 30 days in a quest to win you back.

I am determined.

I am also really, really white.

My legs have apparently lost the ability to tan, although I get an impressive soccer mom arm tan. This is all probably a result of being under fluorescent office lighting for more than a decade.

Had I known that you and I were at the peak of our relationship 16 years ago then I would have shown you off more. Maybe I would have even gotten my belly button pierced, but then there was the time my roommate got hers pierced and it got infected and well, that was unpleasant.

Memorial Day Weekend will soon be here and I’m hoping we can be reunited in time for the great bathing suit reveal.

I thought I was ready to reunite last summer before I turned 40, but I’m lazy.

I’ve ignored you for far too long. I just can’t promise I’ll ever put on a bikini again.

I’m rockin’ the tankini now.

Love,

The 40-Year-Old Mother Who Is Going To Set Fire To The Next Victoria’s Secret Catalog She Sees

18 comments

  1. Margie says:

    I must give a little of my skin cancer rant. White legs are your natural color, therefore they must be beautiful since the rest of you looks great. My husband has a four and one-half inch scar where he had a melenolma removed in March. Good news is it was removed with clear edges.

  2. EG says:

    In other news – remember when all you had to bring to the beach was a towel, a soda, and some sunscreen (or tanning lotion, ahem, I hope you’re going to the dermatologist now ‘cause I’m only 31 and they already found something to remove, awesome)? It’s an ORDEAL going to the beach with kids!
    .-= EG´s last blog ..More Ree =-.

  3. Coma Girl says:

    Oh I am right there with you rockin’ that tankini! With a sarong, just in case.

    We really don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone. Sniff.

  4. Jamie says:

    I am really diligent about the sunscreen. I just wish I were as diligent with working out and I might actually be able to put on a bikini again! 😉

    Yeah I miss the days when we could get ready for a day at the beach or pool without planning for days!
    .-= Jamie´s last blog ..Like Mother, Like Daughter =-.

  5. Leisa Hammett says:

    Oh, honey. I can so relate. The last time I saw mine was maybe 1994 and I was 34 and I have no qualms about saying I was 34 then and I’m about to turn 50. I own my age bc I think women should be proud of what they’ve earned with each passing year. I am. As Life sped me through my 40s, somewhere I realized that flat would never come back but that if I could keep it a minimal bulge I’d be okay. As for the earnings in that department—there’s been minimal and there’s been maximal. Good luck….

  6. amy2boys says:

    This is funny! You looked awesome by the way!

    I think it’s hard to win this one, dammit. My tummy is still flat after 3 babies, at age 43, but it’s all stretch marky, so I STILL have to wear tankinis. Dammit.

  7. Balisha says:

    This from Nora Ephron….I think that most people who complain about their flawed bodies have no idea how much they will yearn for those flawed bodies when they get older and their bodies are truly flawed. I would kill for the body I had when I was 30, and yet at 30, I could have told you a zillion things that were wrong with it. Am I still involved with upkeep? Are you serious? It

  8. Michele Pineda says:

    I haven’t seen my flat belly for years, so I can totally relate as well. I’ve pretty much given up on even seeing a bikini again in this life, however I do want to get thinner, for my health. Ah, the days of summer and slathering on baby oil in a quest to make myself tan like all my friends. I could only resemble a cooked Maine lobster fresh from the pot, they on the other hand, were golden goddesses. Um, maybe not so much now though-their skin has taken on the look of wrinkled leather yet there they lie, basking in the sunshine to this day. (or hitting up the tanning bed in the dead of winter) 🙁
    .-= Michele Pineda´s last blog ..My husband the shopaholic… =-.

  9. Jennifer says:

    You’re probably low in Vitamin D, most of us are deficient anyway, but when you have adequate blood Vitamin D levels in your blood, you are more apt to tan vs burn or do nothing.

    Weird but true.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Le heavy sigh

  10. Jessica says:

    Tankinis are a momma’s best friend. And though I’m as thin as I ever was and in rocking shape after working out this past year, I have also accepted that bikinis and I are never to have another affair. Even if my skin could somehow miraculously regain enough elasticity to pull itself in against my abs, the stretch marks would keep my tankini’d forever. We laugh because I can stand leaning back at a 60-degree-angle and have a great six pack. Stand up straight and gravity takes over the loose skin again…
    Look at you all Carrie Bradshaw in that pic!

  11. Susan says:

    Can SO totally relate to everything you said. I don’t understand the white leg syndrome either. They just refuse! I’m happy to say that I was able to get back to pre-pregnancy weight without a lot of effort. I’m not happy to say that the weight is now distributed in different places. Tummy being one of them. In the meantime, I’ll rock the tankini too!

  12. Katie says:

    This is one of the funniest posts ever—you totally make me laugh out loud in my cube! I loved how you signed your letter—so funny! Hee hee

    You did look awesome, but I think you still do! And I know this doesn’t totally help, but just remember in this pic you didn’t have those two beautiful little girls!! 🙂
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  13. Kris says:

    Victoria Secret? Victoria ain’t got nothin’ that’s a secret! (I’ll bet her real name isn’t even Victoria.)

    That’s one book burning I can get behind!

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