Last night at bedtime Miss A was clutching a costume jewelry pearl necklace and of course refused to hand it over. Being a mother of weak fortitude and one that would probably let her kids sleep with a pet monkey if it meant they would sleep soundly all night, I shrugged it off and told her I’d be right back. I had a nagging feeling about her holding the necklace as I’d seen her put it in her mouth, but I went down the hall to check on Miss C.

“Right back” turned into about 5 minutes and of course my wild girl was awake and out of bed when I opened her bedroom door. She scampered across the room and scrambled on to her bed, an impish grin plastered on her face, and I saw she was still gripping the necklace, only I could tell it was broken and some of the fake pearls had spilled on her rug.

Day-um.

“Miss A, you didn’t eat one of those beads did you?”

“Um…yes.”

“How many did you eat?”

“Um, one, two, three, four!” She wiggles her fingers as she counts aloud, clearly amused with herself.

The inquisition begins.

“Are you kidding mommy? How many did you eat? One…two?” My voice reaches a new level of pitch with each question.

“Yes. One! Two! Three! Four!”

Miss A responds with pride as if she’s just eaten brussels sprouts.

I assume she was just feeding off of what I was asking, but I don’t doubt that she swallowed at least one pearl.

I gave her a stern talk about not putting things in her mouth because she could choke.

“I could CHOKE?”

“Yes baby. You could choke and DIE.”

Her eyes got big as saucers.

Hey, you don’t mess around when it comes to ingesting foreign objects. I’ve never had to perform the Heimlich and I don’t want to start with my own children.

Then I feel bad and soften it with, “Oh but you’re just fine. You’re just fine. It’s in your tummy and you’re going to poop it out. But it might hurt.”

Her eyes grow wide again.

OK, so I am a sadist. I don’t want this to happen again. I mean business!

“Oh, it will be fine. Just fine. Just don’t EVER do that again. We only eat food, OK?”

“OK…not gum?”

“No, just food.”

I spoke to the nurse at our pediatrician’s office and we’ve launched Operation Poop the Pearl. She laughed and assured me that kids eat weird things all the time.

But Southern ladies in training should wear their pearls, not eat them.

Miss C: I’m Daisy!

Miss A: I’m Minnie!

Who’s mommy?

Miss C: Goofy!

——————-

A commercial for a wrinkle cream, one of those miraculous before and after results types, comes on TV.

Miss C: “Mommy you need that!”

I do? Where do I have wrinkles?

Miss C: All over!

——————-

Finally, if you’re needing a Baptism by fire experience in humbling, just take your 5-year-old daughter with you to try on bathing suits. You’ll both end up either laughing or crying (either way, tears will be shed.)

It’s official. My boobs have fallen and they can’t get up.

I also don’t recommend choosing the dressing room next to the 90 pound tan teenage girl because you’ll be tempted to crawl under the dividing wall and strangle her when she talks about something not fitting right. I really think effective birth control for teenage girls would be to have them watch moms trying on bathing suits via hidden camera. That would pretty much stave off the desire to have sex or eat for a while.

This week at Blissfully Domestic, the website better than the latest People magazine, we are featuring all things baby as our fearless, pee in your pants funny founder Alli (aka Mrs. Fussypants) is about to have another baby boy. Her fifth I might add. I bow down to Alli and her amazing mommy skills. She also home schools her boys. Just typing that makes me nervous.

“I’m not worthy…I’m not worthy!”

The fabulously talented Karla organized the Blissfully Domestic baby shower. I promise, there will be no annoying games involving tasting baby food that looks like warmed over poop, but there will be tips and giveaways focusing on all things pregnancy and baby this week. While you’re out and about, visit the Mrs. Fussypants Baby Shower Blog and send good wishes to Alli as she and her family prepare to welcome another Southern gentleman to the fold!

My Monday morning working mom post at Blissfully Domestic is all about versatile maternity wear basics for the office. In the three short years since my pregnancy with Miss A, maternity wear has taken leaps and bounds in the realm of fashion, although I always get a little put out with the maternity models, since most of them look like they’ve gained two pounds and we all know that’s not reality. I think I gained two pounds in my right big toe when I was pregnant with Miss C.

You write something sugary sweet and heartfelt about your children, and then they drive you insane.

I’ll spare you the details, but an Alvin & the Chipmunks DVD from the movie rental store almost became roadkill because two little girls were fighting over who was going to hold it.

Can’t we all just get along? For five seconds?

No matter, as they are staying with my mother overnight while the hubby and I go out to celebrate our wedding anniversary.

Woo hoo!

My mom and I are collaborating on a yard sale later this month.

I have given away arm loads of outgrown baby rompers, tiny shoes, and board books, but I’m hoping to making a little cash from some of our larger items.

There’s the once versatile jogging stroller that is collecting dust since Miss A would rather run or cruise in our more spacious convertible bike trailer, the red Dora potty seat she no longer uses, and the musical table toy that I helped Miss C unwrap on her first birthday.

Although these are just material things and I am more than happy to move clutter out of our home, I occasionally get a wistful twinge of time remembered when I see something that belongs to another era of parenting.

Now the girls are sharing most of their toys, although sometimes begrudgingly, and I no longer need a diaper bag of gear for a short trip out. The mish mash of squeaky baby toys and bag of Cheerios stashed in my purse have been replaced with hair accessories and plastic bracelets, and hot pink Hello Kitty sandals, not soft-soled baby moccasins, adorn the girls’ feet.

While I am happily reclaiming my purse, the girls are gaining independence and confidence and their own collection of purses. I work to achieve the balance between bystander and nurturer, between friend and parent. My daughters no longer need me to stand beside them and hold their hands as they find their footing; they need me to stand at a safe distance and watch them run, arms wide open, toward whatever life has to offer.

Talbots taste, Target budget? Visit me at Blissfully Domestic, where I wrote about putting together a fashionable black-and-white look for work, without forking over major cash. Be sure to read the comments as I mention a couple of great websites for finding fun jewelry on a budget.

Speaking of major cash, I freaked out early this week while looking at our grocery and dining out expenses so far this year in Quicken. We have a little over $500 less going out per month now that Miss C is in kindergarten and we’re not writing daycare tuition checks, not to mention Miss A is diaper free, but we are spending money left and right on groceries and dining out.

I finally checked out our local Aldi as my mom always has the most incredible avocados and other goodies from their store (and my blog buddy Amy is the Aldi queen). I loaded up my cart Tuesday and spent a whopping $33. It seems I can’t get out of Publix for a quick bread and milk run for less than $50. The store was clean and well organized. Although they have a variety of miscellaneous bargains in the center of the store, I didn’t feel compelled to shop for 9 million other things like I do at Wal-Hell, where I’m convinced they pipe subliminal messages throughout the store sound system so that you’ll spend at least 45 minutes and $100 in the store.

I am a huge fan of Publix, especially for seafood and meat and the girls are addicted to their free bakery cookies, but I’m going to try the Aldi’s experiment for a while. So far the girls love their cereal bars and generic strawberry Newtons, and we had a Southwest style chicken salad with a black bean and corn relish and blue tortilla chips last night and Tuesday with all the ingredients, except for the chicken, from Aldi. Of course now we have plans the next three nights that involve eating out, but I have a coupon for the pizza place we’re eating at tonight.

How much do you spend on groceries per week? Not counting dog food or toiletries and other vital necessities such as beer and wine, we are spending about $110 a week and that’s with a 5-year-old who lives on apples, store brand bread, and yogurt. This is pretty much with me being lazy and not clipping coupons and being a slacker meal planner. I do buy a lot of store brands, and I try to stock up on whatever meat is on sale. Still, I’m curious to see how I can whittle down our grocery bill if I actually try. What a concept!