Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Stretched Out Granny Panties
Our 10th wedding anniversary is later this week, which inspired me to do some much needed shopping. You know, because shopping is a necessity. A few weeks ago I clicked on Victoria’s Secret’s website. Being the boring practical girl that I am, I navigated to the clearance panty section first as I am in dire need of new underdrawers. I looked at the cotton panties first. I’ll be 40 in a few years so I think my private parts need as much breathable fabric as possible. The only thing available in the clearance section were striped fabrics and winter motifs. Nothing says happy 10 years of wedded bliss to your husband like showcasing your 37-year-old rear end in a pair of gray cotton bikini briefs with fuschia snow flakes and Snow Bunny emblazoned across your butt cheeks. Not to mention it’s May.
Much like the rings in a tree can be used to determine how old it is, you can tell when I became a mother by excavating my panty drawer and tracking the noticeable shift from sexy and silky to practical and cotton. These days I primarily wear cotton bikini briefs, although there were those white cotton high waisted granny panties my mom bought for my post-partum, “OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ABS?” period after having Amelia two years ago. Thankfully the extreme granny underdrawers were way too big once I lost most of my pregnancy weight. Although they would have made excellent dust cloths, to the landfill they went.
Any way I’m definitely thinking of starting a petition to rename the 10th anniversary The Panty Anniversary, because after 10 years of marriage and gaining and then losing close to 70 pounds total (not each time, thank God) during two pregnancies, you definitely need a full panty makeover.
