It’s Monday and I have a million things to do at work, so what better way to start the morning than with mindless celebrity gossip.

Paris Hilton apparently backed her Range Rover into a Honda Civic last Thursday while doing what she does best…shopping. Of course, if she was doing this while driving, then I find the quote from her publicist, Elliot Mintz, comical:

“Paris is a very responsible and a very good driver. … She takes her driving seriously,” Mintz said. “This was unfortunate … it will be handled appropriately.”

Also, an anonymous reliable source (one of my family members) saw Nicole Kidman here in Nashville over the weekend shopping at Wild Oats. Perhaps she was in town with Keith Urban for the CMA Music Festival formerly known as Fan Fest?

So, do you have any celebrity “scoop?”

We’re headed to a friend’s pool today. Caitlin and I have already been lounging in her kiddie pool in the backyard. I’m very surprised the dogs haven’t punctured the pool, but they seem content to watch us from the shady corner of the yard where they’re probably secretly laughing at us in doggie speak. One of the best purchases I’ve made this summer is a hot pink Wee Wave washable swim diaper for Amelia. You can reuse it over and over and it’s small enough to go underneath her regular one piece bathing suit. They are available at Target, although I couldn’t find them online. You can even purchase itsy bitsy matching bikini tops or swim diapers for little boys. They were on sale for $5 this week at Target and that sure beats the price of Lil Swimmers!

I was thinking about one of my funniest (although not at the time) experiences poolside in college. I had traveled down to the hot spot…Daytona Beach, Florida…with several girlfriends and we were staying at a beachfront hotel with a gigantic tacky Aztec sun emblazoned on the outside. I had spent hours shopping for the perfect bikini at the mall and was totally into trolling for cute guys on the beach by day and on the strip by night. One afternoon after perfecting my tan and drinking a wine cooler or three I was standing poolside chatting with a group of particularly cute guys. I felt something warm splash on my shoulder and upper back and it wasn’t Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil. Mr. Seagull had decided to bring the party to a shrieking halt. In fact, I shrieked so loud I’m sure everyone on the spring break party barge a mile out heard me. I bolted into the hotel and headed straight for the lobby bathroom to survey the damage. Fortunately there was not much actual bird poop on me, and my spring break spirit was not broken. I was out chatting it up at a beach volleyball game that very afternoon. Bird poop will not get a girl down who is on a spring break mission of fun and sun.

Now bonus points to anyone who knows who sang the hit “Poolside.” Hint, his motto is “Work hard, rock hard, eat hard, sleep hard, grow big, wear glasses if you need ‘em!”

We had a girls’ night out after work yesterday. A group of women, some single, some married, and one married with children (me!) headed to T.G.I. Friday’s at 5 o’clock on the dot. Margaritas were ordered, dinner was served, and we chatted about everything from work to travel to one woman’s recent breakup with her boyfriend. Then, appropriately enough, we headed over to the movie theatre for “The Breakup.” I loved the beginning, but thought the last 30 minutes dragged. And as much as I heart Jennifer Anniston, she’s typecast in my brain as “Brad’s ex.” Darn him!

A girls’ night out is very rare for me and I think it gets tougher the more children you have. I think this is just the third time this year I’ve done something in the evening sans hubby and kids. I’m definitely not out doing tequila shots or gettin’ freaky on bar tables, but I think all moms need a night out on the town, even if it is a tame one. And husbands need a night out with the guys, too. The hubby has been quite a workaholic lately, and I think he could use a night of smoking cigars, playing darts, and sipping on Scotch.

The hubby and I typically rent DVDs and kick back in the comfort of our own living room. There’s nothing better, though, than watching a blockbuster on the big screen. But the cinematic experience is not without flaw:
(Read on …)

The entire world probably knows that Brangelina held a press conference today at which they denounced any wedding bell rumors. I have to admit the first thing I noticed about this picture was the nursing boobs! You can’t hide them! That and the fact that Brad and Angelina look like they’re attending a PartyLite candle party and listening to a sales pitch on the lovely vanilla scented pillar candle from the nice Miss Cleo psychic lookalike in the peach dress.

Trying to camoflauge the boobs with a floral arrangement so as to not detract from the seriousness of the press conference…

There’s no better post-pregnancy gift (besides the baby of course) to make you forget about your stretch marks than the fabulous nursing boobs. I kind of miss them. Now what was that press conference about again?

Guess what we were doing four years ago this morning.

I grew up in the Bible Belt. Summer was ushered in by Vacation Bible School and Wednesday meant covered dish suppers and sweet tea in the church basement. Sometimes I have to draw on the lessons learned in a little country church when I don’t have the patience to deal with small children who push my buttons in public.

Recently I had one of those please God don’t let me see anyone I know moments while running errands with Caitlin. For the most part she is my little shopping buddy, but 3-year-olds are about as predictable as Tom Cruise and upholstered furniture on Oprah or Ashlee Simpson’s latest hair color. Is this unpredictability going to change now that she’s turning 4? Somehow I doubt it.

Here are some examples of my memorable WWJD parenting moments over the years…that’s What Would Jesus Do for all of you unfamiliar with this catchy little slogan printed on everything from bracelets to bumper stickers.

Exhibit 1
You’re in a checkout line six people deep and your 3-year-old starts playing your chest like the bongos and chanting “BOOBIES, BOOBIES, BOOBIES!”

WWJD?
Jesus didn’t have boobies, but he did advocate peace and loving all little children, no matter how annoying. Keep smiling, point out an item of distraction (Dora panties!), pray no one is listening to her Ode to Boob and bolt out of the store faster than the sales clerk can ask, “Will that be paper or plastic?”

Exhibit 2
You’re in another checkout line (detecting a mommy behavioral chain of stupidity here) and your child takes one look at the cashier and asks loudly, “Mommy, she got silly hair?” Pay up as quickly as possible and say something lame like “Oh, her hair is nice! What nice hair!” Leave the store and avoid that cashier and her silly hair, which is actually pretty silly.

WWJD?
Jesus probably wouldn’t be grocery shopping, he’d send one of his disciples.

Exhibit 3
You see a former co-worker at the store and start chatting with her. You introduce her to your seemingly angelic child, who promptly shoves a finger up her nose.

WWJD?
Jesus would point out that your child is clearly in need of attention. Go home and give your child lots of attention. At home. Not in public. And make sure you have antibacterial gel in your purse at all times.

Exhibit 4
You’re 7 months pregnant and buying something during the pre-holiday rush at the mall with your 2-year-old (can we say glutton for punishment?) She plays hide and seek from you and doesn’t understand why you use your loud mommy voice when you yank her out of the cookware display and waddle to the car.

WWJD?
Jesus would pat you on the head and say, “Next year do all of your holiday shopping online.” (And I did!)

They Say It’s Your Birthday

Originally uploaded by blondemom.

Today we held Caitlin’s Dorapalooza birthday party at a local pizza parlor that has fun distracting games like air hockey, an even more distracting gigantic red gumball machine and, more importantly, ice cold beer for the adults…just in case. It’s only a short distance from our house and I have to say it was pretty nice to not have to clean up the post-party gift tissue and plates and cake spillage at our home or worry too much about the fact that our front shrubs are in dire need of trimming. This was the first party we’ve thrown for her outside of home. We had less then 20 people, including our merry quartet, and that seemed to be a fun, manageable group…not too overwhelming. Caitlin’s actual birthday is next Tuesday, though. Since she bounded out of bed this morning she’s been asking continually, “Is today my birthday?” I’ve explained to her that no, it’s not, but that her party was today because it’s Saturday. To add to the confusion, the hubby and I are taking off work on her birthday and we’re going to do some fun summer activity with the girls…maybe swimming or a trip to the zoo. And, because she’ll want to celebrate with her “school” friends at daycare, I’m taking cupcakes for her class to enjoy. I know as she gets older she’ll understand the extended birthday timeline thing, but if your child’s birthday falls on a weekday, do you have their party on a weekend? Oh, and shouldn’t adults also be entitled to drag the birthday celebration out over several days? I’m just sayin.’

I didn’t post a Chafe My Ass Friday list last Friday but that’s not for lack of ass-chafing material. My job has been insanely busy with multiple projects and I’ve been planning Dora/Pizza/Sugar Birthday Fest tomorrow and Amelia has been sick. So life has been busier than usual.

Apparently May is shell over thousands of dollars for unexpected repairs month for our family. Last May our home central heat and air unit finally went out and I can assure you that nothing will send a man dialing a repairman faster than a wife who’s staying home with a newborn baby who is panicking just thinking about going days without air conditioning in the heat and humidity of Middle Tennessee. On top of that, my air conditioning in my car had to be repaired last summer. Ironically just this week at work my new office mate and I were discussing that it seemed a tad warm in our office and the office building repairmen discovered that we had no AC cirulation at all. And all these weeks I thought I was having hot flashes or something.
(Read on …)